Well if you are thinking that this is just another blog on love and relationships, then you are Darn wrong!! This is my perspective on Love and marriage. I am no love guru or marriage counselor, I have just seen and experienced enough to talk, but I am pretty darn sure I can talk better about it than say time management or sensex. The way this article is written is this. We will first look at the differences between love and marriage. Next we will see the very common myths/misconceptions that people(including you) have about relationships and in the process see, what exactly is this "Right Time".
You might have already heard or read a lot about some of the good things about love. You see no one wants to talk about the bad things, like when things go bad in love, no one wants to talk about it. Even if they do talk about it, they are mostly biased!! So this article tries to tell you, how to avoid the bad consequences of a 'Breakup' - one of the major issues in a relationship. The timing needs to be just about right.
But remember one thing, most of the people spend their lives, TRYING to experience what true love or love is. Sadly, love doesn't zero in on everyone. This whole quest to find love, can lead you to some amazing conclusions and will be a great experience, it will teach you much more than what any book can ever teach you, much more than any love guru/therapist/any friend/any parent can ever teach you. This is just my perspective, from what the whole quest has taught me.
Love and marriage are 2 completely different things. According to me, Love is divine , where as wedding is a sort of compromise, something very materialistic. Love is something that just happens between 2 people, no one knows when and why. Marriage on the other hand is, an agreement that 2 individuals with similar needs , decide upon for the mutual benefits of each other. That definition itself sounds like a big business agreement between 2 individuals. There might be exceptions, but that's not the point here. Love is not about compromises, it is about you involuntarily accepting someone and involuntarily respecting the differences between the two. True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be. This is love. Marriage is no way to close to that. In marriage there is no meaning for the word Acceptance, it is always about NOT accepting. Marriage is all about compromises and sacrifices. It is about voluntarily not accepting the differences between the two, and working over it and deciding on something, which benefits both, which in other terms is called a compromise. So I stress again that Love is divine and marriage is materialistic(compromise/business). I am not saying marriage is a bad thing, I am just trying to show the differences between both. I know there are some of you, who won't agree with what I said above, but well this is my perspective and am sure many people know what I am talking about.
Our brain is programmed to think about only the one/two bad things that happen amidst an infinite sweet and good things. Our brain easily forgets the many good things that someone has done for us. So if you decide not to marry that one special person, the right time to break up is, when you are in love, and when you have no reason to break up. It is that time when both the people, know it is not going to work and it is time they break up. No hard feelings though. Then your brain doesn't have that one bad thing to crib about, when you think about her. It might sound crazy but it definitely is the way to go about. So everytime you think of her and the relationship, you have everything to cherish about. You will have only the sweetest of the memories and nothing else. Of course, this is all only if you decide not to marry that one special person.
But if you decide to marry her, then good luck to you. You either have won yourself " THE ONE " or a lifetime supply of fights and misunderstandings. In such a case another thing you would want to think about is, do you have it in you both, to take the marriage a very very long distance. Suppose you decide to marry this one special person, who you love, you have already been with her for a long time ranging anything between 1-7 years. So you mostly know her in ;) and out . She knows you in and out too. There is a very high possibility that either one of you/both takes the other one for granted. And if that happens, the whole point of a relationship/compromise/wedding is lost. If you recollect , marriage is all about compromising and if you are taking the other person for granted, there is no way you will compromise with her for anything. So you join the club of infinite such marriages out there, which don't work anymore. Maybe that's the reason, the success rate of love marriages is way less when compared to the other kind. So basically its all a tradeoff. Marriage would be a tradeoff between love and compromising.
From what I have seen, people tend to mix up lot of terms used in relationships. For the record, having feelings/ being in a relationship/ Falling in love/ having the LUSTY feeling/being with an FWB(Friends With Benefits)/enjoying the relationship/ officially committed /wedding are all different terms and each one of them is TOTALLY DIFFERENT from another. I call myself the analogy guru, so let me instantiate.
Scene 1:
You(a HE) are at this friend's party with a bunch of homo wackos, who you call "FRIENDS" ( a lot of HE's too) and give an impression to others that you are having the time of your life. But everyone of us , out there knows that each one of you is waiting to lay your hands upon some girl, for the night.( unless you really are a homo). Walk in , a bunch of deliciously "HOT" ladies. The moment you look at the them, you have that feeling, you know down there, that racy feeling, yup that one !! Well, that's what is called LUST. What happens next depends on you. We aint gonna talk about it. Let's continue about another possibility from here on.
Scene 2:
You pass out of the LUST phase. You have narrowed down your radar. Your eyes just can't get away from this one girl, from the bunch. Your brain has done the calculations and zeroed in on her. Now you start getting these crazy thoughts about her. You want her in any way, possible. You just want her. You feel she is the most beautiful thing you have ever seen ( yes, your senses and decision making are getting biased now). Of course, you don't make it obvious to your homo friends, yet. ( Who likes being called a jerk ? ). You can't wait any longer. You make the move. You go to her and negotiate in a different way this time. All you care is that you want to talk to her and like spending time with her ( that's what you thought) . You have more than just lust for her. Well then you started "developing feelings" for her. [MYTH:Please get this straight, you are NOT in a relationship with her, YET. So you can HAVE FEELINGS for someone, and not be in LOVE/RELATIONSHIP with her. ]
Scene 3:
Thankfully things are working great. You ask her out and she agrees to it. You try making it the best date that ever was ( common, that won't ever happen, they always crib about something or the other). You both really like each other now. (or that's what you thought she thinks about you!! ) It is definitely worth a shot, you think ! You want to call her your GIRL FRIEND. She is apprehensive, yet she thinks, she can get to go to a lot of restaurants, movies, get lots of free gifts and she agrees. :p. Before you realize , you are in a RELATIONSHIP. She is your GIRLFRIEND and you are her BOYFRIEND( doesn't say anything about the number each one has!! ). [MYTH:Please get this straight, still doesn't mean you are in love with each other, YET !!]
Scene 4:
You keep going out on more and more dates. You start seeing movies together, go out to restaurants every other night, she takes you to the craziest art galleries, where you could literally puke. You take her to the super bowls, football matches of your school. Of course, you guys did something by now. You definitely did explore. O common she is your Girlfriend. She just loves the way you kiss, you just love the way, she well..... you know.
Most of your friends know about you both, by now. Definitely your mom/dad/sis/bro know about them by now. The clock's ticking. Well this plateau is called " Enjoying the realtionship" phase. As the name says, good things, don't last long. You have been in the plateau long enough now. Time to take the next step-either the Hill or the Valley. You have 2 routes now. Either go to the next phase or end it( because you can't continue in this plateau for a longer time, something will eventually give in here !! ) .[MYTH: you are still not in LOVE!!)]
Scene 5:
You just feel she is "THE ONE". From the previous scene you realized that she is the one you have been looking for, all your life (you mite still be wrong, but that's not the point here!!! ) . You liked what you saw/got/experienced in the Plateau phase. You like the way she cooks( or makes you cook). You like the way she takes care of you( or you take care of her) . You DON'T FEEL SUFFOCATED in her presence. That's when you realize you are IN LOVE with her. This is what this blog is all about, this phase, this is the "RIGHT TIME". Ideally, she also feels the same way about you. But it is good enough, if one person feels that way, as in most of the cases the other person ain't sure. So they decide to go ahead or not, depending on how much they believe in their partner. So either one of scene 5 or scene 6 happens.
Scene 6
Suppose she doesn't feel the same way as you do, it's the end of the road here. You break up at this point of time. So you break off on a bad note. And our brain is unfortunately programmed to remember only ONE bad thing, instead of the millions of good things that happened between you both. You are officially EX-es from today. In this case, I call the above phase, the "RIGHT TIME" , because that was the time your brain couldn't find any bad thing to crib about, for several years to come. So you should have been mature enough to call it a day, before it came to scene 6 from scene 5. I agree it would have been a very tough and cold call, but then you are breaking up on a high, as you see no future. Sadly, if you came to scene 6, you break up on a bad note. Well, you might ask, how would you know, if she will say yes or no, without asking her ? Well that's a tricky question. I am not going to teach you telepathy here. But by now, you would already know whether she is in love with you or not. 98% of the cases, they would know by now. So then it calls for a mature and wise decision from your side. If you are the type, who says, "Heck !! I don't care what is going to happen, I just need to know, I just need to hear it from her mouth". Well, then go ask her and come to this phase. To save yourself, some embarrasment, you can always fall upon the ageold saying, "I was just kidding !! I wanted to see the expression on your face !! " .... lol... but you cannot fool your brain, it is upto you in that case, to ignore the fact that she doesn't feel the same way about you, if you want to cherish the memories. It varies from person to person, how they handle this situation.
Scene 7
Suppose she ain't' sure, but she believes you, she will also start believing that she is in love with you. So now that you are in love, you are OFFICIALLY COMMITTED to each other. So what next? Well, then you decide upon the biggest of 'em steps. Now you have to decide , if she is the one you want to spend your life with. It gets really complex here. You might be in love with someone, yet you cannot marry them. It is definitely an option. It happens. Once man, starts thinking practically, a lot of crazy options like this arise. A lot of External factors also start playing on your mind here. Suppose you want to break up at this point of time, it can get really messy again, as you should have done this in Scene 5. It can still be done, but it depends on the situations and what kind of people you both are. One can still break up on a good note from here, IF they are mature enough to realize that marriage cannot happen. Generally one of the two, doesn't want to accept it ( even though they know it!!) and things can get really messy from there.
So I leave it to you both to decide if Scene 5 or scene 7 is the right time to break up, that is assuming you made it to scene 7 instead of scene 6.
So hopefully, I did drive home the point I have been trying to make i .e 'The right time to breakup'. I know that it gets kind of hazy, but this is no generic solution. It depends on a lot of factors. All I wanted to say was that, don't let that one or two bad things, that happened amidst an infinite good things, between you and your gf, affect some of the best days of your life. Believe me, these are the only good things you are going to cherish when you are on your death bed.
as a closing note, I would like to talk about FWB's too. Just in case, you wanted to know. I have no stand on this. Just an information session. Well it is FWB-Friends with benefits. Let me get a textbook definition here. It is a term used to describe the physical and emotional relationship between two people who may have a sexual relationship or a near-sexual relationship without necessarily demanding or expecting a more formal relationship as a goal. It is more than just casual sex and different from a one-night stand. Casual relationships sometimes include mutual support, affection and enjoyment and is much more than casual sex!!! ....
Suite yourself ...Long live the people. The choice is definitely yours. I can't wait to get married :P. As a closing note, what's your take- Arranged marriage or love marriages ?
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